Dads to be: How to build a secure shelter for you and your partner

If you’re like me, an aspiring and anxious first time dad-to-be, you have discovered your expectant wife or partner is going through major physical changes and emotional swings.

As men, we like to fix problems that arise and move on. Your partner, on the other hand, isn’t wired that way. In spite of her swelling and tender breasts, nausea, heartburn, constipation, raging hormones, uber-frequent urination trips to the bathroom and sleeplessness you may discover that your partner handles her physical traumas in stride and with expectant motherly pride. She is experiencing right-of-passage women have endured throughout the years.

As I said, we men like to fix problems that arise and move on. If you have tried to fix any of the aforementioned problems and move on, you’ve probably discovered that you will fail in vain. Oh of course, you can read and research multiple books about over-analyzing the male role in childbirth. If that’s your path, don’t let me stop you. However, if you’re looking for a simple set of crib notes (pun intended) on how to fix the problem, so to speak, here is a very simple, very basic, almost embarrassingly easy set of building plans to follow.

Building plans? Yes building plans. Consider using my following building plan metaphor to construct a shelter of security, empathy and understanding with your pregnant partner.

Construct your shelter with 2 X 4’s

Now hold on before you go running to your workshop or jump into your truck for a trip to Home Depot, remember I’m metaphorically speaking.

The 2 phrases and 4 individual words I’ve built my shelter with are:

• Plan and Prepare
• Listen and Love

What’s that old Boy Scout motto again? Oh yeah, be prepared!

“Be prepared for what?” someone once asked Baden-Powell, the founder of Scouting,

“Why, for any old thing.” Said Baden-Powell.

Plan

I’ll get back to the old but wise Scout adage in a moment, but I want to address planning first. How do you plan for this bundle of joy that, from what other fathers tell me, is the greatest experience in your lifetime? Let your wife or partner do all the planning. Yes, let them do all the work. Why? They seem to love shopping for this baby stuff. I personally can’t stand it. So let your partner, I’m sure she’ll have other female baby fanatics that are willing to participate, take care of this baby stuff (listing this stuff would be an absurdly long list) and focus on being prepared.

So let’s review, step one is to plan. What does a dad-to-be do? Nothing and enjoy it!

You’ll find that this 2 X 4 falls easily into place when constructing your shelter, however, don’t’ forget that each piece is interconnected. Each 2 X 4 requires the other for adequate support.

Prepare

Back to that old Boy Scout adage, be prepared. Finances notwithstanding, when I refer to prepare I mean the nuts and bolts of taking care of a child. Every father has his own approach, means or otherwise to address the financial responsibilities of parenting. I’m no Dave Ramsey; I offer no financial advice. But, I can address the nuts and bolts of being prepared.

If your like me, a dumb first time dad-to-be, you might be wondering, how in the hell am I going to take care of this creature my wife (partner) is nourishing and will be eventually be pushing out into the world? No doubt about it, the responsibility will fall into your hands. The best thing to do is to prepare.

But you can only prepare to a certain extent. Start with the basics first. An outstanding book called, “Be prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads” by Gary Greenburg and Jeannie Hayden, is a delight to read (of course my wife found it while shopping for baby stuff). The book’s chapters read swiftly and get to the point. The book contains humorous, but relevant old school sketches that have that 1950’s retro nuclear family look to them. But, the information bestowed both written and visually is relevant for today’s dad-to-be. I encourage you to visit the authors’ companion website to review this “guy-style” handbook. No touchy-feely wishy-washy overly-analytic science mumbo-jumbo, this book gets down to the nuts and bolts of fatherhood including:

• Each and every significant stage of baby’s first 12 months
• What your newborn won’t and will look like
• Newborn party tricks
• The joy of burping
• Reading Sports Illustrated to your baby
• Resuming a sex life?
• The secret meaning of peek-a-boo
• Rigging emergency diapers
• Camping with your cub

Those are just a few practical chapters from the book “Be Prepared” that discuss, with brevity, the nuts and bolts of fatherhood. Whatever your source of information is the important thing is to hone your be prepared skills for those first days of fatherhood and beyond helps form a solid foundation for your 2 X 4 shelter.

Love

Build your shelter with love. Perhaps this goes without saying. Love is most likely what you and your partner have shared together and is the primary reason you’ve decided to become parents. Nonetheless, don’t forget to share your unconditional love with your partner.

According to the myriad of pregnancy magazines, books on pregnancy and childbirth, the volumes of literature provided in the different doctor offices visited, podcasts and television specials sex (the most intimate form of love) during pregnancy varies among couples. And, respectable sources say that sex during pregnancy is safe. As first-timers, my wife and I have honestly avoided ‘rocking the boat’ regularly based on uncertainty. The uncertainty comes from not experiencing childbirth before. In addition, out of our own ignorance, we felt why take chances ‘rocking the boat’ when the baby is in calm waters within the womb of my wife.

The bottom line here is that you need to communicate your love to your partner. So if sex is the issue, discuss this and have an understanding of what is and what’s not possible between the two of you during pregnancy. Of course, love is not merely sexual either. Dads-to-be will do best to make an effort to share loving and caring moments with their partner.

Loving and caring moments can come in many forms. Seek out special and private times to share your love with your partner. Also, pursue unlikely moments of consideration. For example, if you and your partner are planning a day of errands together, plan ahead and factor in her frequent bathroom stops for her. Considerations and accommodations for her condition will be appreciated and show that you care and you are thinking about her. Seek out and surprise your partner by helping her out when she least expects it.

An excellent and healthy way to share loving moments with your partner is walking. Get out and go for walk, if your partner is able. Walking, in and of itself, is a healthy exercise and you most likely will feel good because you’re doing it. In addition, its eases stress. Walking together is a time for you and your partner to communicate, speculate and appreciate the experience you’re both sharing.

Love is what brought you and partner together, and love is what created the child within your partner’s womb. Secure your shelter with love, and don’t forget to add a skylight to let the love shine in.

Listen

I stated that a dad-to-be should let their partner do the planning. Why? Women love planning for the baby and all the extras that go along with childbirth. In fact, within our culture today women regularly take on childbirth (whatever the circumstance) singularly. So leave the planning to her. Your partner knows what’s best for the baby. But does this mean you should just sit on the sidelines while the game is going on? No.

If you want to get in the planning game let your partner run with the ball. Let her be the running back and you can be the fullback. Provide the protection she needs to reach the goal, but don’t get between her and the goal line. Bad football analogies a side, the best way to help with planning is to provide help when asked to and most importantly LISTEN.

Your partner will have lots of opinions, insight and baby shopping stories to share with you. You don’t have to agree, disagree or respond to all her accounts, just LISTEN. If you listen to her attentively and respectively you’ll create a free pass for yourself, a free pass to opt out of all baby-planning responsibilities. Do you really want to shop for cribs and strollers while your favorite team hits the field on Sunday? Most guys I know don’t and neither do I. But, I do want to help my partner in any way I can. Listening to your partner will assure your shelter is good and tight.

Now get to work and build your secure shelter

Construct your secure shelter of security, empathy and understanding for your pregnant partner with 2 X 4s, two phrases consisting of four words.

Plan and Prepare:

• Let your pregnant partner plan and you LISTEN
• Learn the nuts and bolts of fatherhood and prepare

Love and listen

• Communicate and share your love
• Listen to your partner attentively and respectively